This is the diary of a closeted gay teen. Here, I will post some of my life experiences living as a closeted gay teen. I am 20 years old, college student in Texas. Names and locations in my stories will be changed for privacy and so that I don't get "outed." Hope you enjoy!
Ever since I can even remember, I have fantasied about having sex in the shower. It is something that as I grew up I always would dream of. Being in the shower and having this hunk come into the shower with me and rubbing my back and then having some steamy sex. That is not exactly what I had but it was very similar.
The guy who I had been having encounters with, Robert, would always want for me to try something new. He was like my teacher in gay sex. He would teach me new sex positions, sex toys and even introduced me to gay porn sites that I will later discuss.
One night that he invited me over to his room to have sex, he asked me if there was something that I had wanted to do. I didn’t immediately say it but I ended up telling him that I had always wanted to have sex in the shower.
His reaction wasn’t what I expected. “In the shower? Why in the Shower.”
I couldn’t even explain why but that was my “fantasy.” I immediately saw that he wasn’t into the shower idea so we just kinda rolled along with it and simply had sex in bed.
The following day, while I was walking from class with my friends to the cafeteria I bumped into him in one of the courtyards at the university. We chatted for a while and then went our own ways. A little later I got a text from him telling me that I should meet him in his room before class. I knew he wanted to have sex but I wasn’t going to go in the middle of the day to go have sex because I still had class after lunch and I didn’t want to be all sweaty the rest of the day.
He insisted for me to go so like always I ended up in his room. As soon as I walked in he locked the door of his room and began to kiss me. He slowly began to remove my clothes as we kissed. We had little time so we wanted to enjoy the time we had.
Before I removed his pants he stopped me. He grabbed me by the wrist and took me to his restroom. I was so excited when he did that because I knew exactly what he was doing. He wanted me to have sex with him in the shower!
He continued to remove my clothes gently. He would slide his hand from my shoulders, through my back down to my ass and then he would grab my thighs. His touch was so sensual and exhilarating.
He turned on the shower and he jumped in it first. I got in and the water was nice and warm. He continued to kiss me and slide his hands though my back. The water added to the entire feeling of the situation. It was super hot.
He then turned me around, made me bend down and began to insert his penis into me. The water continued to fall on my back and I could just feel it slide down my body like he had slided his hands around my body earlier.
He began to go faster and the contact between my body and his would make a splashing noise. He began to go even faster and I felt like my fantasy was being fulfilled in its entirely. I began to feel like I was going to climax soon after so we slowed down so that we could enjoy the moment.
I turned around, got on my knees and began to give him head. I am not a big fan of sucking cock but the fact that he was fulfilling my fantasy made me want to please him the most as possible. Giving head in the shower isn’t as bad as other times that I have given head. To me it obviously feels cleaner and better.
After giving him head we continued to kiss and to rub each other. It was the hottest moment yet. I asked him if he could continue to fuck me so he did.
As I began to feel like I was about to climax I began to moan to indicate to him that I was about to. He began to fuck me faster and faster until I reached climax. Right after I did, he came also. It was one of the best sex experiences up to the moment.
The best part of the shower sex was the clean up! All we had to do was to add a little soap and we were fresh, clean and done. We both got out of the shower, dried up and changed to go back to class.
Being a closeted gay teen made it difficult for me to meet other gays in my hometown and hang out with them. I had no one that I could trust or talk to so I ended up just talking to my dog. I would just be silly and tell him how school was going and how I liked a certain boy and what not.
Everything began to change about two years ago. Quickly after admitting that I was gay, I found that there were many other gay teens in the same situation I was in. I met many of these guys and girls in the wonderful website Daiybooth.com :)
On this website, I was able to express myself freely. I was able to flirt with boys without having to worry that I would come across someone that I knew. I never went to the site expecting to find the love of my life. I simply went on it to talk, to vent, to see how other teens dealt with the fact that they couldn’t be themselves in real life because they were closeted gay teens.
I ended up uploading every single night. I would spend countless hours talking to people on Dailybooth. We exchanged Facebooks, Tumblrs, Twitters, Skypes, Messengers, iChats and some even phone numbers. I grew an entire new group of friends, a group of friends that I became closer to than my friends in real life.
One night, I came across a rather cute guy. He was wearing a hoodie sweater and he simply wanted to talk. He was not the picture perfect six pack hottie but he was very attractive. He looked asian and that is my weakness, asians.
We talked for a couple of weeks and then from one day to another without saying anything he was gone. To me it seemed weird. I felt we had a good connection so I wondered why he stopped boothing.
About 4 weeks later I got a message on dailybooth from him. It said “Hey boy, When will I get to skype with you? I miss you.” I was so excited! Little did I know that he would become my first “boyfriend.”
More on that story later :)
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Losing my virginity was not too exciting. I didn’t plan to or expected to lose my virginity that day but it simply happened.
It all started one night while I was at my dorm in college. I was online on Facebook when I got a message from a gay guy at my school who I knew pretty well. He did not know I was gay but I am sure he thought I was. I lied to him and we would talk about the girls that I had dated. I told him that I was raised in a very conservative family and that I was still a virgin waiting for the right girl at the right time. He was very open to me and told me that he was attracted to me. That made me feel attracted to him. He kept bugging me about many different things including him telling me that he wanted to give me a blow job.
Of course I wanted him to give me a blow job but I pretended like what he was saying was the grossest things ever. He continued to try to convince me by telling me that lots of straight guys like to be blown by gay men, because of the entire “no strings attached” thing supposedly. He even told me that some of my brothers from the fraternity had been with him! I couldnt believe that at all.
So he kept bugging me for the longest time until I said “Fuck it! I will just do it.” So I told him that I was down for him to give me a blow job and thats it. He told me not to worry about it and that he would be very discreet. I was so afraid that he was going to tell people about it. He was graduating in about a month and he had nothing to lose if he told people that he blew me.
But never the less I went to the building he lived in and he sneaked me into his room being careful that no one saw us. Inside his room I didn’t know what to do. I had already been with other guys and we had masturbated but never with someone that I knew in real life if that makes sense.
So I sat on the bed and he told me to make myself comfortable. I took off my shoes and by that time he was already on his knees touching my thighs. I believe he wanted to me to get hard but the thing was that I had been hard since we had our conversation on Facebook.
“Man you are ready for me to suck you off,” he told me when he saw that I was hard.
I didn’t know what to say to that so I just remained quiet. He began to lick the top of my dick and then ban to suck me off. I wanted to keep pretending that I was straight and that it was a little bit gross by not wanting to touch him with my hands. In reality I wanted to grab his hair and make him suck me faster. The feeling was great! It all felt wonderful.
It all felt so wonderful that I made him stop, grabbed him by the face and brought it close to mine and I told him I was really gay. He seemed confused so I repeated it to him.
“I am really gay.”
He then smiled, leaned closer and began to kiss me…..
(Part 2 will be up soon)
(First off sorry for not posting in 2 weeks but I was on vacation)
Being a closeted gay teen is not easy at all. Constantly I have to “protect” my gayness and be careful not to be outed. But being a closeted gay teen does not mean that I don’t get to have some fun. In addition, there are tons of guys online who are in the same situation that I am in and that like to just talk.
Tumblr, Facebook and Dailybooth were my initial sites where I connected with other gay teens. After I lost my virginity and that person left the city I lived in (that story will be on my next post) I began to seek other people on hookup sites which isn’t good at all. I liked to feel other men in my arms and that is the only reason why I did it.
Doing all this was very dangerous. I had to put a password on all of the things that I used to make sure that none of my friends would stumble into one of my conversations with a guy or something. My computer, phone and iPad all had passwords and no one was ever allowed to borrow them.
I used to have a roommate and I would wait till he fell asleep to sneak out and meet guys. Now I don’t really hookup with guys anymore but I continue to be in the closet.
I used to lie to my friends and tell them that family was in town to skip from going to the clubs because I never wanted to go because I hated having to pick up a girl at the club to just dance.
I try to not make public gay friends because I am afraid that my gayness will come out when I talk to them and they would immediately know I’m gay.
I joined a fraternity and became president of my fraternity. Not something typical that a gay guy would do so I went for it :P
I have only come out to four of my closest friends and I think for now that is good. I haven’t told any of my family that I am gay simply because I don’t feel that it is the right time yet. Maybe in a year or so when I graduate from college and I become truly independent I will be able to tell them. Coming out of the closet will definitely change the dynamics of the relationship that I have with my family. But I will deal with that when that time comes.
Sorry that this post is kinda lame but just felt you should know some of these details for the stories to come. My next story will be about how I lost my virginity :P
I can remember the first time a touch another guy’s penis like if it was yesterday. I was in 8th grade and I was still doubting my sexuality although I knew I was attracted to guys. I had a friend who lived down the street who I always hanged out with. He was in the school’s soccer team and he was pretty hot. His name was Javier and he was in my gym class. It all started when I first got a glimpse of his penis in the locker room and here is the story.
One day after our gym class we were in the locker rooms changing from our gym clothes. We had just finished doing some laps around the indoor track that we had at our middle school. The entire class was changing like any other gym period but this time I dared myself to walk into the showers.
Never before had I walked into the showers because I was too embarrassed to walk naked around a group of guys. I was too afraid that I would get an erection once I walked in. So this time around, I wrapped a towel around me and decided to take a peek ;) There were about five guys that were taking a shower including Javier. I looked at it for a while, by it I mean his penis, until I catched myself just staring at it. And guess who was staring at me. Yes, Javier was. Immediately I left the showers and changed to my regular clothes and walked out of the locker room.
Javier never confronted me about me staring at his penis. He never mentioned anything and we still would hang out like normal. About a month after I had seen him naked, he was at my house playing video games just like any other time that he would be at my house. We ended up somehow talking about Playboy magazines and how his brother had a stash of them in his room.
We ended up going to his house to look at his brother’s magazines. We simply were flipping though the magazines when all of the sudden, he began to rub his pants. I couldn’t help but look at him doing that. He then catched me looking at him and he told me to put his hand inside his pants.
At this point I felt really awkward. We were in his brother’s room looking at a Playboy magazine and he wanted to get his dick touched. I really wanted to do it but I didn’t want him to think I was gay.
I said something along the lines of, “No I cant do that, that is gross.”
He then replied, “Its not like you didn’t like looking at it in gym class. Don’t worry its not gay to touch a guys dick.”
WTF! How can it not be gay to touch another guy’s dick! Anyways I went ahead and did it. He loosened up his pants and grabbed my hand and made me stick it in his underwear. He was very hard. He just made noises and closed his eyes as I began to move my hand lower towards his balls.
As I kept moving my hand around I began to freak out. Will he tell people we did that? Was I gay?! I removed my hands from his underwear and told him that I should probably go home.
I ended up going home thinking of how great that was but how scared I was that someone else would find out. We never talked about that time and we continued to hang out like we used to. Later I will put up anther story about him that has to do with more dick touching ;)
It was my last few days as a fourth grader when I remember deciding to tell this girl named Jessica that I liked her. I have to admit that she was not the prettiest girl in the class but her personality was great. I loved being around her. Every time we had to pair up with someone I wished it was with her.
That day, the entire classroom was helping to clean up the classroom since we were nearing the end of the school year. The teacher had boxes of papers that we all had to go through and throw away. Physical Education time came quickly and the entire class had to go to the gym. My teacher allowed Jessica and I to stay behind and continue to help clean the classroom.
Everyone left for the exception of Jessica, my teacher and I. I remember having so much fun packing with them. We were organizing some of the teacher’s books and putting them in packing boxes. Jessica and I were laughing hysterically just having fun. When we were finished we went to the gym for P.E. class and that was the end of that day.
I can’t remember if it was immediately the day after or a couple of days after that day that I decided to tell her that I liked her. We had had so much fun that day that I just figured that if I told her it would make things better. The year was coming to an end and I didn’t want to go to break without telling her.
So when we were coming out of lunch, I decided to tell her.
“Jessica, I like you,” I said.
“I like you too,” said Jessica, “but just as a friend.”
“Why just a friend?”
“I cant like you like that,” she told me. “If I like you like that then Gustavo wont like me like that.”
I don’t remember what happened after that but I do remember feeling very jealous. I couldn’t believe she had rejected me. But I did begin to start looking closely at Gustavo. This was the first time ever that I actually began to pay attention at a guy. I remember imagining him naked and immediately I tried to snap that image away from my head. Little did I know that for many years to come I would imagine all the men that walked by me naked.