This is the diary of a closeted gay teen. Here, I will post some of my life experiences living as a closeted gay teen. I am 20 years old, college student in Texas. Names and locations in my stories will be changed for privacy and so that I don't get "outed." Hope you enjoy!
The only guy who I’d had sexual encounters with had left to grad school and I was left without someone to have sex with. I wast really in a look for a sexual partner or anything because I was too paranoid that someone would find out that I was gay and that that person would announce it to the entire world.
The new school was about to start and I was just looking forward to hanging out with my friends again. During the first week of school I arranged to meet a good girl friend of mine at a hookah bar to talk about how our summer went. When we met up at the hookah bar, I realized that she brought one of her friends along, Austin. I knew who Austin was since freshman year. Have in mind that we were starting our Junior year so I knew a thing or two about this guy. I didn’t know if he was gay, bi or straight but there was something that really intrigued me about him. He was a really smart guy, top of the class. He always took tough courses and he was majoring in philosophy. He had a very extensive vocabulary and the way he talked was very smoothly.
I didn’t think much of him other than just being a good friend of my friend. That night was very relaxing. We talked about many topics including school, traveling, music, art and how our summers went. It was a very chill time. During our talk, I found out that he had a book that I needed for one of the courses that I was taking the upcoming semester so he said he would lend it to me.
We headed back to school and we all went our own ways. For about a week I kept bumping into him and he always kept forgetting to carry his book with him to give it to me. Whenever I’d see him we would talk about any random thing and we would share a smoke or two. By the end of that week I was beginning to actually need the book so I decided to text him to retrieve it. We both lived on campus but in a different building so he said that he would bring it over to my building.
I met him in the lobby and he gave me my book. He asked me what I was doing and I told him I was watching a movie. He asked what movie it was. I told him it was “Shutter Island.” He then went off on how he loved the movie. He kept talking and talking about it and at the end he said that he hadn’t seen it since he saw it in the theaters. I invited him to come watch it with me not expecting anything out of it.
We walked up to my room and when I walked in I set up a chair near the TV for him and I jumped and sat on my bed. He walked right pass the chair and also sat on my bed. I began to suspect he was wanting to do something. I started the movie over so that we could watch it from the beginning. About 10 minutes into the movie he began to lean closer to me. He began to do twirls with his finger on my bed. I knew it was coming. A short while after, he grabbed my hand. We exchanged a few words about the movie while our fingers were interlocked. I kept thinking about my childhood and how when we were young we would get all read when someone did what we were doing. At that point, I knew he wanted a kiss.
I leaned over and rested my head on his chest. I truly could feel his heart beating really fast. I then looked up at him and asked him if he was nervous. He didn’t say anything and simply leaned down and kissed me. After kissing for about 20 seconds he said, “I’m not nervous anymore.” We continued to kiss and I began to feel horny. I hadn’t had sex for a while and I was really wanting to have sex. He got on top of me as he continued to kiss me. As his body touched mine, I felt his penis was hard. I decided to cup him with my hand to encourage us having sex but he quickly stopped me.
“I want to take things slowly,” he said. At that point I knew I wasn’t going to get any that night. We continued to kiss for a while longer and then we stopped. The movie continued to play but we began to talk about us being gay. He told me his story and I told him mine. We would kiss randomly through the movie and once it was over we went on a kissing session. Again I felt his penis getting hard on me and that turned me on a lot. I made sure he knew I was hard and I began rubbing my hard dick on him. He began to faintly moan as he continued to kiss me. He still was stopping me from touching his dick with my hands. I truly didn’t understand. We kissed for a while longer until we decided to stop. He said he had to go back to his room for the night so we said goodbye. From that point forward I set my goal to be to get in his pants, and after trying hard enough I was able to accomplish it. (To be continued)
The one question that I get the most from readers is how do I get to have so much sex and still not be out. There are plenty of explanations.
- First, I don’t tell anyone I am gay. Only the people who I’ve slept with and my 3 very close and personal friends know that I am gay.
- I do “straight things”. By that I mean that I hit on girls, dance with them when we go out and even flirt with them. (NEVER kiss them though)
- I never “act gay” around my friends. I always act tough around them.
- I’m in a frat and do fratty things that most gay guys don’t do.
- I lie that I am talking to a girl in my hometown. If my friends ask me how things are going with her I just tell them that they are rough because of the long distance.
- I avoid being around gay guys because I tend to loosen up around them and sometimes flirt with them. I try to stop myself.
- If someone asks me if I’m gay I simply say that I am not and then joke that I’d go gay for the guy who is asking me the question or ask if he is gay. (Making a joke out of it so that the guy who asks me feels more weird than I do.)
These are simply some of the things that I do. I really hate doing this but I am not ready for people to know that I am gay. New developments have occured recently that have made me more comftrable with the idea of more people knowing but I am going to take it slowly. I am writing my next story also that I hope you guys enjoy :)
Ever since I can even remember, I have fantasied about having sex in the shower. It is something that as I grew up I always would dream of. Being in the shower and having this hunk come into the shower with me and rubbing my back and then having some steamy sex. That is not exactly what I had but it was very similar.
The guy who I had been having encounters with, Robert, would always want for me to try something new. He was like my teacher in gay sex. He would teach me new sex positions, sex toys and even introduced me to gay porn sites that I will later discuss.
One night that he invited me over to his room to have sex, he asked me if there was something that I had wanted to do. I didn’t immediately say it but I ended up telling him that I had always wanted to have sex in the shower.
His reaction wasn’t what I expected. “In the shower? Why in the Shower.”
I couldn’t even explain why but that was my “fantasy.” I immediately saw that he wasn’t into the shower idea so we just kinda rolled along with it and simply had sex in bed.
The following day, while I was walking from class with my friends to the cafeteria I bumped into him in one of the courtyards at the university. We chatted for a while and then went our own ways. A little later I got a text from him telling me that I should meet him in his room before class. I knew he wanted to have sex but I wasn’t going to go in the middle of the day to go have sex because I still had class after lunch and I didn’t want to be all sweaty the rest of the day.
He insisted for me to go so like always I ended up in his room. As soon as I walked in he locked the door of his room and began to kiss me. He slowly began to remove my clothes as we kissed. We had little time so we wanted to enjoy the time we had.
Before I removed his pants he stopped me. He grabbed me by the wrist and took me to his restroom. I was so excited when he did that because I knew exactly what he was doing. He wanted me to have sex with him in the shower!
He continued to remove my clothes gently. He would slide his hand from my shoulders, through my back down to my ass and then he would grab my thighs. His touch was so sensual and exhilarating.
He turned on the shower and he jumped in it first. I got in and the water was nice and warm. He continued to kiss me and slide his hands though my back. The water added to the entire feeling of the situation. It was super hot.
He then turned me around, made me bend down and began to insert his penis into me. The water continued to fall on my back and I could just feel it slide down my body like he had slided his hands around my body earlier.
He began to go faster and the contact between my body and his would make a splashing noise. He began to go even faster and I felt like my fantasy was being fulfilled in its entirely. I began to feel like I was going to climax soon after so we slowed down so that we could enjoy the moment.
I turned around, got on my knees and began to give him head. I am not a big fan of sucking cock but the fact that he was fulfilling my fantasy made me want to please him the most as possible. Giving head in the shower isn’t as bad as other times that I have given head. To me it obviously feels cleaner and better.
After giving him head we continued to kiss and to rub each other. It was the hottest moment yet. I asked him if he could continue to fuck me so he did.
As I began to feel like I was about to climax I began to moan to indicate to him that I was about to. He began to fuck me faster and faster until I reached climax. Right after I did, he came also. It was one of the best sex experiences up to the moment.
The best part of the shower sex was the clean up! All we had to do was to add a little soap and we were fresh, clean and done. We both got out of the shower, dried up and changed to go back to class.
My fondest sex experiences are with the guy that I lost my virginity to. Like I mentioned in the stories before, he was only a friend that lured me into his room. His name was Robert. He was not the kind of guy that I would think I’d date but he “seduced” me and I had fallen for him.
After the first night that I was with him, I knew that he would want me to return. He didn’t ask me to see him the following day although we texted all day long. He kept asking me how I was feeling. I was a little bit sore and he told me it was normal.
“You need more practice,” he told me.
I tried to play hard and I told him that I didn’t want to do it for a while. He kept bugging me and bugging me until I accepted to just meet up with him to talk the following day. The next night, he sneaked me into the building again and took me to his room. His room’s light was off just like the first night and I knew he would want to have sex again.
“I just want to chill an talk today,” I told him.
“Yeah, me too.”
So we talked for a while. We talked about his plans after college. He was a senior who was about to graduate so he had planed to go live to Chicago to study law. He was top of his class at my school and he was the SGA president. That turned me on even more. The school that we went to was pretty small. Less than 2300 students attended. I kept fearing that someone would find out about him and me so I begged him to not tell anyone. He was out and he had many gay friends that I feared would find out about us.
“Don’t worry! I wouldn’t want anyone knowing I am having sex anyways,” he said. ” I don’t go around bragging about who I had sex with to my friends.”
That made me feel a little more comfortable. He made me feel so comfortable that we both laid in the bed just talking. He grabbed my hand and began playing with it with his fingers. After a while I began to get tired so I fell asleep. Around 20 minutes later I woke up to him kissing me. It felt so surreal. I felt wanted, and by a man. Totally turned me on. He kept kissing me and before you knew it I was on top of him.
I felt his hard penis though his jeans. We continued to kiss and he began to undress me. I took his clothes off too and we continued to kiss. His lips were so perfect. I loved kissing him. He began to kiss my neck but I immediately stopped him. The last thing that I wanted from him was a hickey so I wouldn’t let him get near my neck. I also got very ticklish whenever he got near my neck with his lips. He then pulled out a condom and asked me to put it on him. After putting it on and applying some lube on it I grabbed his penis and neared it to my ass.
I thought I’d be ready but I was still very tight. I still was a bit sore from the first time so he told me to take it slow. So we did. I sat on it and went very slowly down. I had to stop several times to take a breather because the pain was there. But after he was all the way in me I felt different. I felt it was right. I felt pleasure.
So I began to go up and down faster, but not too fast. There was still some pain, but now it was more pleasurable. After a couple of minutes in the same position he told me he wanted to try other positions. He flipped me over and we began to do it “doggie style.” I couldn’t believe it. I just kept thinking of all the porn that I had watched and now I was doing it. While he was fucking me this way I began to feel like I was about to cum.
I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t last long! Whenever I masturbated it could take me a good 30 minutes before I felt like ejaculating but having sex made me want to ejaculate after only 5! So I told him to slow down. He told me he liked to make me cum so he put me laying down with my feet over his shoulders and he began to drill me just like the last time when he made me ejaculate in the same position. This just brought me to my climax and I came again without ever touching my penis. It was incredible. He came shortly after and he pulled out and threw the condom in the trash can. He let me wash up quick and he told me to get back in bed. We simply laid there with him hugging me and we talked until we both fell asleep.
It was so crazy! I couldn’t believe what was happening. I soon woke up and told him I had to go back to my room. I didn’t want to have to explain to my roommate why I was coming into the room at 3 of the morning on a school night. He was a brother of my fraternity and we were somewhat close so I’d hate to have to come up with something to cover it up. We promised to see each other again. That made me really happy. The rest of the times I was with him were great experiences also.
Thanks for all the feedback! I am surprised that many followers are females! Gotta love them girls! Send me a message or a comment! I love talking to y’all :)
I never thought that I would ever be in a long distance relationship. There is a saying in Spanish that goes “Amor de lejos es amor de pendejos,” which pretty much means that long distance relationships are for idiots. At times during my online relationship I did think that I was being stupid.
As you might have read on my previous post, I met a guy on Dailybooth.com that became my first boyfriend. Apparently I am not the only one that has found love on this site. I have talked to many people who have told me that they have met and dated people from this site. In my very unscientific research, I found that most of these people dated online because they couldn’t be themselves out in the world.
The Internet became there safe-heaven and there were able to date whoever they wanted without being criticized. I was one of these people. I didn’t really want an online relationship. I didn’t want my boyfriend to live thousands of miles away from me. I wanted to be able to hug him, kiss him, and yes, fuck him. But due to my situation, I was not able to date in my hometown. Even if it was on the down-low I would have risked to be outed. I could not take that risk. So when someone payed attention to me online I fell and I fell HARD :/.
His name was James but he went by Junior. He was Spanish/Filipino/American/Canadian. He was a complete juicy goodness. He also was a closeted gay teen and he was only a year older than me. From the moment I met him I couldn’t stop thinking of him. He followed me on all of my social networks and I followed him back.
We communicated with each other in every way possible. He was from Canada so we couldn’t just text each other so we sent each other messages through twitter. We were friends for a long time before he asked me to officially be his boyfriend. Before he asked me, I had said that I would never have an online relationship because I though it wouldn’t work, but the night he asked me, I jumped in surprise and excitement and told him yes while I kissed the screen of my computer when we were skyping.
Being a closeted gay teen made it difficult for me to meet other gays in my hometown and hang out with them. I had no one that I could trust or talk to so I ended up just talking to my dog. I would just be silly and tell him how school was going and how I liked a certain boy and what not.
Everything began to change about two years ago. Quickly after admitting that I was gay, I found that there were many other gay teens in the same situation I was in. I met many of these guys and girls in the wonderful website Daiybooth.com :)
On this website, I was able to express myself freely. I was able to flirt with boys without having to worry that I would come across someone that I knew. I never went to the site expecting to find the love of my life. I simply went on it to talk, to vent, to see how other teens dealt with the fact that they couldn’t be themselves in real life because they were closeted gay teens.
I ended up uploading every single night. I would spend countless hours talking to people on Dailybooth. We exchanged Facebooks, Tumblrs, Twitters, Skypes, Messengers, iChats and some even phone numbers. I grew an entire new group of friends, a group of friends that I became closer to than my friends in real life.
One night, I came across a rather cute guy. He was wearing a hoodie sweater and he simply wanted to talk. He was not the picture perfect six pack hottie but he was very attractive. He looked asian and that is my weakness, asians.
We talked for a couple of weeks and then from one day to another without saying anything he was gone. To me it seemed weird. I felt we had a good connection so I wondered why he stopped boothing.
About 4 weeks later I got a message on dailybooth from him. It said “Hey boy, When will I get to skype with you? I miss you.” I was so excited! Little did I know that he would become my first “boyfriend.”
More on that story later :)
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(See previous post to see beginning of story)
He began to lick the top of my dick and then ban to suck me off. I wanted to keep pretending that I was straight and that it was a little bit gross by not wanting to touch him with my hands. In reality I wanted to grab his hair and make him suck me faster. The feeling was great! It all felt wonderful.
It all felt so wonderful that I made him stop, grabbed him by the face and brought it close to mine and I told him I was really gay. He seemed confused so I repeated it to him.
“I am really gay.”
He then smiled, leaned closer and began to kiss me…..
His lips were big and I loved felling them with mine. I tossed my arms around him as he had his body over me, kissing me.
I took my pants completely off and he began to pull my shirt off as we continued kissing. I ended up naked in his bed while he was still wearing all his clothes. So I went for it and began taking his clothes off. Starting from the shirt going down till I got to his socks.
We were both completely naked rubbing ourselves and kissing. As we kept kissing I began to talk to him.
“I always knew you were gay,” he told me. “I would always stare at your butt when you walked across the main courtyard.”
Apparently that is something that I do. All the guys from my fraternity tell me I sway my ass like a girl when I walk. Oh and I like wearing skinny jeans from time to time. But to me it was surprising that this guy had been looking at my ass whenever I crossed the main courtyard. Maybe thats why he wanted to suck me off in the first place.
We continued to kiss and jerk off till we finally began to want to take a break. So I turned around and gave my back to him. All I wanted him to to is to give me a hug and hold me tight but he gave me much more than that. As we laid there, his penis got tucked in perfectly in my butt cheeks, I didn’t think much of it since he wasn’t really going for my anus.
As we laid there I began to get more excited to think that his dick was in my ass. I began to move my ass back and forth as if he was fucking me but of course his dick was not inside of me. This movement excited me even more.
He then grabbed his dick and got it near my asshole. I didn’t think much of it until he tried to get it in. I immediately stopped him and told him that I didn’t want to do that.
“Why not?” he asked.
“First off you don’t have a condom, second I have never had sex before so I don’t know how to,” I said.
He then leaned over to his nightstand, grabbed a condom, put it on his dick and as he grabbed my ass to put his dick near my asshole he whispered to my ear, “I will show you how, dont be scared.”
So I gave in. Knowing that he had a condom on made me feel more comfortable. He began by grabbing his dick and finding my asshole with it. You best bet that it was really tight. He began to just play with it as he began to slide it in very, very slowly. It was very painful. I had had a cold and stuffy nose and when I felt the pain my nose cleared up. NO LIE. It was so painful. As he slid it deeper I felt a sudden urge to pee. It felt really weird.
I immediately asked him to take it out because the pain was too much. He got scared and asked me if I was ok. I told him I was ok but asked him to take it slower. So he did. He grabbed his dick again and stuck it in very slowly. He finally got all the way in and I was ready to explode.
He laid my back on the bed and threw my legs up on his shoulders and he began to move in and out slowly. It didn’t take more that 20 seconds before I began to feel like I was about to ejaculate so I told him to stop. Again he got worried and asked me if I was ok.
“Yea I just feel like I am about to burst and I dont want to do it this fast,” I said.
“But I do,” he said as he continued to go in and out of me.
By him saying that and taking control like that turned me on like I never had before. Without me touching my dick I began to feel like I was about to ejaculate. I began to moan and he began to moan and say “yea.” And that just made me lose it! I ejaculated without ever touching my penis, never before had I done that. I believe that that excited him too because he ejaculated right after. It was one of the most amazing things I have ever experienced.
I didn’t want things to be weird between him and me after that so we vowed to not make it weird when we saw each other out in school. And as I left his room after cleaning up, he invited me to go over to his room again the next day ;)
(Please keep the questions coming! I love talking to you guys!)
Losing my virginity was not too exciting. I didn’t plan to or expected to lose my virginity that day but it simply happened.
It all started one night while I was at my dorm in college. I was online on Facebook when I got a message from a gay guy at my school who I knew pretty well. He did not know I was gay but I am sure he thought I was. I lied to him and we would talk about the girls that I had dated. I told him that I was raised in a very conservative family and that I was still a virgin waiting for the right girl at the right time. He was very open to me and told me that he was attracted to me. That made me feel attracted to him. He kept bugging me about many different things including him telling me that he wanted to give me a blow job.
Of course I wanted him to give me a blow job but I pretended like what he was saying was the grossest things ever. He continued to try to convince me by telling me that lots of straight guys like to be blown by gay men, because of the entire “no strings attached” thing supposedly. He even told me that some of my brothers from the fraternity had been with him! I couldnt believe that at all.
So he kept bugging me for the longest time until I said “Fuck it! I will just do it.” So I told him that I was down for him to give me a blow job and thats it. He told me not to worry about it and that he would be very discreet. I was so afraid that he was going to tell people about it. He was graduating in about a month and he had nothing to lose if he told people that he blew me.
But never the less I went to the building he lived in and he sneaked me into his room being careful that no one saw us. Inside his room I didn’t know what to do. I had already been with other guys and we had masturbated but never with someone that I knew in real life if that makes sense.
So I sat on the bed and he told me to make myself comfortable. I took off my shoes and by that time he was already on his knees touching my thighs. I believe he wanted to me to get hard but the thing was that I had been hard since we had our conversation on Facebook.
“Man you are ready for me to suck you off,” he told me when he saw that I was hard.
I didn’t know what to say to that so I just remained quiet. He began to lick the top of my dick and then ban to suck me off. I wanted to keep pretending that I was straight and that it was a little bit gross by not wanting to touch him with my hands. In reality I wanted to grab his hair and make him suck me faster. The feeling was great! It all felt wonderful.
It all felt so wonderful that I made him stop, grabbed him by the face and brought it close to mine and I told him I was really gay. He seemed confused so I repeated it to him.
“I am really gay.”
He then smiled, leaned closer and began to kiss me…..
(Part 2 will be up soon)
(First off sorry for not posting in 2 weeks but I was on vacation)
Being a closeted gay teen is not easy at all. Constantly I have to “protect” my gayness and be careful not to be outed. But being a closeted gay teen does not mean that I don’t get to have some fun. In addition, there are tons of guys online who are in the same situation that I am in and that like to just talk.
Tumblr, Facebook and Dailybooth were my initial sites where I connected with other gay teens. After I lost my virginity and that person left the city I lived in (that story will be on my next post) I began to seek other people on hookup sites which isn’t good at all. I liked to feel other men in my arms and that is the only reason why I did it.
Doing all this was very dangerous. I had to put a password on all of the things that I used to make sure that none of my friends would stumble into one of my conversations with a guy or something. My computer, phone and iPad all had passwords and no one was ever allowed to borrow them.
I used to have a roommate and I would wait till he fell asleep to sneak out and meet guys. Now I don’t really hookup with guys anymore but I continue to be in the closet.
I used to lie to my friends and tell them that family was in town to skip from going to the clubs because I never wanted to go because I hated having to pick up a girl at the club to just dance.
I try to not make public gay friends because I am afraid that my gayness will come out when I talk to them and they would immediately know I’m gay.
I joined a fraternity and became president of my fraternity. Not something typical that a gay guy would do so I went for it :P
I have only come out to four of my closest friends and I think for now that is good. I haven’t told any of my family that I am gay simply because I don’t feel that it is the right time yet. Maybe in a year or so when I graduate from college and I become truly independent I will be able to tell them. Coming out of the closet will definitely change the dynamics of the relationship that I have with my family. But I will deal with that when that time comes.
Sorry that this post is kinda lame but just felt you should know some of these details for the stories to come. My next story will be about how I lost my virginity :P
Growing up with a bunch of cousins my age was tons of fun. We would always hang out at birthday parties and soccer games. My cousins were my best friends.
I always loved going to one of my cousin’s house not because he had a cool gaming system or cool toys but because they had HBO and Showtime, AKA porn central at 10pm.
I cannot remember what channel we would constantly watch but I am sure it was one of those two. Watching porn for me started on very early. We would all sneak out to my uncle’s bedroom where the TV was and we would have someone guard the door in case that a parent might come. The guard would rotate with someone else every few minutes so that we all got a chance to watch the show that was on.
We did this countless of times and for years beginning at the age of around 10. We would simply sit in front of the television and just watch the porn. At one point I remember having a conversation with my cousins about the shape of the nipples of some of the girls on the porn shows. Now that I think back on it it is so weird.
My favorite experience was watching one night and loving what I saw. The setting was at a cave-like location. There was a woman in a one piece bathing suit chained up to the wall with her hands and feet. Then a man wearing a mask and black leather came up to her and began to rip the bathing suit off. He then went down on her and began to eat her out. I remember loving to watch this.
Watching porn at my cousin’s house was tons of fun but as we grew older we began to lose interest. Now if I watch porn it is gay porn of course and I’ve got to say it is much better than gay porn.