This is the diary of a closeted gay teen. Here, I will post some of my life experiences living as a closeted gay teen. I am 20 years old, college student in Texas. Names and locations in my stories will be changed for privacy and so that I don't get "outed." Hope you enjoy!
The one question that I get the most from readers is how do I get to have so much sex and still not be out. There are plenty of explanations.
- First, I don’t tell anyone I am gay. Only the people who I’ve slept with and my 3 very close and personal friends know that I am gay.
- I do “straight things”. By that I mean that I hit on girls, dance with them when we go out and even flirt with them. (NEVER kiss them though)
- I never “act gay” around my friends. I always act tough around them.
- I’m in a frat and do fratty things that most gay guys don’t do.
- I lie that I am talking to a girl in my hometown. If my friends ask me how things are going with her I just tell them that they are rough because of the long distance.
- I avoid being around gay guys because I tend to loosen up around them and sometimes flirt with them. I try to stop myself.
- If someone asks me if I’m gay I simply say that I am not and then joke that I’d go gay for the guy who is asking me the question or ask if he is gay. (Making a joke out of it so that the guy who asks me feels more weird than I do.)
These are simply some of the things that I do. I really hate doing this but I am not ready for people to know that I am gay. New developments have occured recently that have made me more comftrable with the idea of more people knowing but I am going to take it slowly. I am writing my next story also that I hope you guys enjoy :)
My fondest sex experiences are with the guy that I lost my virginity to. Like I mentioned in the stories before, he was only a friend that lured me into his room. His name was Robert. He was not the kind of guy that I would think I’d date but he “seduced” me and I had fallen for him.
After the first night that I was with him, I knew that he would want me to return. He didn’t ask me to see him the following day although we texted all day long. He kept asking me how I was feeling. I was a little bit sore and he told me it was normal.
“You need more practice,” he told me.
I tried to play hard and I told him that I didn’t want to do it for a while. He kept bugging me and bugging me until I accepted to just meet up with him to talk the following day. The next night, he sneaked me into the building again and took me to his room. His room’s light was off just like the first night and I knew he would want to have sex again.
“I just want to chill an talk today,” I told him.
“Yeah, me too.”
So we talked for a while. We talked about his plans after college. He was a senior who was about to graduate so he had planed to go live to Chicago to study law. He was top of his class at my school and he was the SGA president. That turned me on even more. The school that we went to was pretty small. Less than 2300 students attended. I kept fearing that someone would find out about him and me so I begged him to not tell anyone. He was out and he had many gay friends that I feared would find out about us.
“Don’t worry! I wouldn’t want anyone knowing I am having sex anyways,” he said. ” I don’t go around bragging about who I had sex with to my friends.”
That made me feel a little more comfortable. He made me feel so comfortable that we both laid in the bed just talking. He grabbed my hand and began playing with it with his fingers. After a while I began to get tired so I fell asleep. Around 20 minutes later I woke up to him kissing me. It felt so surreal. I felt wanted, and by a man. Totally turned me on. He kept kissing me and before you knew it I was on top of him.
I felt his hard penis though his jeans. We continued to kiss and he began to undress me. I took his clothes off too and we continued to kiss. His lips were so perfect. I loved kissing him. He began to kiss my neck but I immediately stopped him. The last thing that I wanted from him was a hickey so I wouldn’t let him get near my neck. I also got very ticklish whenever he got near my neck with his lips. He then pulled out a condom and asked me to put it on him. After putting it on and applying some lube on it I grabbed his penis and neared it to my ass.
I thought I’d be ready but I was still very tight. I still was a bit sore from the first time so he told me to take it slow. So we did. I sat on it and went very slowly down. I had to stop several times to take a breather because the pain was there. But after he was all the way in me I felt different. I felt it was right. I felt pleasure.
So I began to go up and down faster, but not too fast. There was still some pain, but now it was more pleasurable. After a couple of minutes in the same position he told me he wanted to try other positions. He flipped me over and we began to do it “doggie style.” I couldn’t believe it. I just kept thinking of all the porn that I had watched and now I was doing it. While he was fucking me this way I began to feel like I was about to cum.
I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t last long! Whenever I masturbated it could take me a good 30 minutes before I felt like ejaculating but having sex made me want to ejaculate after only 5! So I told him to slow down. He told me he liked to make me cum so he put me laying down with my feet over his shoulders and he began to drill me just like the last time when he made me ejaculate in the same position. This just brought me to my climax and I came again without ever touching my penis. It was incredible. He came shortly after and he pulled out and threw the condom in the trash can. He let me wash up quick and he told me to get back in bed. We simply laid there with him hugging me and we talked until we both fell asleep.
It was so crazy! I couldn’t believe what was happening. I soon woke up and told him I had to go back to my room. I didn’t want to have to explain to my roommate why I was coming into the room at 3 of the morning on a school night. He was a brother of my fraternity and we were somewhat close so I’d hate to have to come up with something to cover it up. We promised to see each other again. That made me really happy. The rest of the times I was with him were great experiences also.
Thanks for all the feedback! I am surprised that many followers are females! Gotta love them girls! Send me a message or a comment! I love talking to y’all :)
I never thought that I would ever be in a long distance relationship. There is a saying in Spanish that goes “Amor de lejos es amor de pendejos,” which pretty much means that long distance relationships are for idiots. At times during my online relationship I did think that I was being stupid.
As you might have read on my previous post, I met a guy on Dailybooth.com that became my first boyfriend. Apparently I am not the only one that has found love on this site. I have talked to many people who have told me that they have met and dated people from this site. In my very unscientific research, I found that most of these people dated online because they couldn’t be themselves out in the world.
The Internet became there safe-heaven and there were able to date whoever they wanted without being criticized. I was one of these people. I didn’t really want an online relationship. I didn’t want my boyfriend to live thousands of miles away from me. I wanted to be able to hug him, kiss him, and yes, fuck him. But due to my situation, I was not able to date in my hometown. Even if it was on the down-low I would have risked to be outed. I could not take that risk. So when someone payed attention to me online I fell and I fell HARD :/.
His name was James but he went by Junior. He was Spanish/Filipino/American/Canadian. He was a complete juicy goodness. He also was a closeted gay teen and he was only a year older than me. From the moment I met him I couldn’t stop thinking of him. He followed me on all of my social networks and I followed him back.
We communicated with each other in every way possible. He was from Canada so we couldn’t just text each other so we sent each other messages through twitter. We were friends for a long time before he asked me to officially be his boyfriend. Before he asked me, I had said that I would never have an online relationship because I though it wouldn’t work, but the night he asked me, I jumped in surprise and excitement and told him yes while I kissed the screen of my computer when we were skyping.
(See previous post to see beginning of story)
He began to lick the top of my dick and then ban to suck me off. I wanted to keep pretending that I was straight and that it was a little bit gross by not wanting to touch him with my hands. In reality I wanted to grab his hair and make him suck me faster. The feeling was great! It all felt wonderful.
It all felt so wonderful that I made him stop, grabbed him by the face and brought it close to mine and I told him I was really gay. He seemed confused so I repeated it to him.
“I am really gay.”
He then smiled, leaned closer and began to kiss me…..
His lips were big and I loved felling them with mine. I tossed my arms around him as he had his body over me, kissing me.
I took my pants completely off and he began to pull my shirt off as we continued kissing. I ended up naked in his bed while he was still wearing all his clothes. So I went for it and began taking his clothes off. Starting from the shirt going down till I got to his socks.
We were both completely naked rubbing ourselves and kissing. As we kept kissing I began to talk to him.
“I always knew you were gay,” he told me. “I would always stare at your butt when you walked across the main courtyard.”
Apparently that is something that I do. All the guys from my fraternity tell me I sway my ass like a girl when I walk. Oh and I like wearing skinny jeans from time to time. But to me it was surprising that this guy had been looking at my ass whenever I crossed the main courtyard. Maybe thats why he wanted to suck me off in the first place.
We continued to kiss and jerk off till we finally began to want to take a break. So I turned around and gave my back to him. All I wanted him to to is to give me a hug and hold me tight but he gave me much more than that. As we laid there, his penis got tucked in perfectly in my butt cheeks, I didn’t think much of it since he wasn’t really going for my anus.
As we laid there I began to get more excited to think that his dick was in my ass. I began to move my ass back and forth as if he was fucking me but of course his dick was not inside of me. This movement excited me even more.
He then grabbed his dick and got it near my asshole. I didn’t think much of it until he tried to get it in. I immediately stopped him and told him that I didn’t want to do that.
“Why not?” he asked.
“First off you don’t have a condom, second I have never had sex before so I don’t know how to,” I said.
He then leaned over to his nightstand, grabbed a condom, put it on his dick and as he grabbed my ass to put his dick near my asshole he whispered to my ear, “I will show you how, dont be scared.”
So I gave in. Knowing that he had a condom on made me feel more comfortable. He began by grabbing his dick and finding my asshole with it. You best bet that it was really tight. He began to just play with it as he began to slide it in very, very slowly. It was very painful. I had had a cold and stuffy nose and when I felt the pain my nose cleared up. NO LIE. It was so painful. As he slid it deeper I felt a sudden urge to pee. It felt really weird.
I immediately asked him to take it out because the pain was too much. He got scared and asked me if I was ok. I told him I was ok but asked him to take it slower. So he did. He grabbed his dick again and stuck it in very slowly. He finally got all the way in and I was ready to explode.
He laid my back on the bed and threw my legs up on his shoulders and he began to move in and out slowly. It didn’t take more that 20 seconds before I began to feel like I was about to ejaculate so I told him to stop. Again he got worried and asked me if I was ok.
“Yea I just feel like I am about to burst and I dont want to do it this fast,” I said.
“But I do,” he said as he continued to go in and out of me.
By him saying that and taking control like that turned me on like I never had before. Without me touching my dick I began to feel like I was about to ejaculate. I began to moan and he began to moan and say “yea.” And that just made me lose it! I ejaculated without ever touching my penis, never before had I done that. I believe that that excited him too because he ejaculated right after. It was one of the most amazing things I have ever experienced.
I didn’t want things to be weird between him and me after that so we vowed to not make it weird when we saw each other out in school. And as I left his room after cleaning up, he invited me to go over to his room again the next day ;)
(Please keep the questions coming! I love talking to you guys!)
Losing my virginity was not too exciting. I didn’t plan to or expected to lose my virginity that day but it simply happened.
It all started one night while I was at my dorm in college. I was online on Facebook when I got a message from a gay guy at my school who I knew pretty well. He did not know I was gay but I am sure he thought I was. I lied to him and we would talk about the girls that I had dated. I told him that I was raised in a very conservative family and that I was still a virgin waiting for the right girl at the right time. He was very open to me and told me that he was attracted to me. That made me feel attracted to him. He kept bugging me about many different things including him telling me that he wanted to give me a blow job.
Of course I wanted him to give me a blow job but I pretended like what he was saying was the grossest things ever. He continued to try to convince me by telling me that lots of straight guys like to be blown by gay men, because of the entire “no strings attached” thing supposedly. He even told me that some of my brothers from the fraternity had been with him! I couldnt believe that at all.
So he kept bugging me for the longest time until I said “Fuck it! I will just do it.” So I told him that I was down for him to give me a blow job and thats it. He told me not to worry about it and that he would be very discreet. I was so afraid that he was going to tell people about it. He was graduating in about a month and he had nothing to lose if he told people that he blew me.
But never the less I went to the building he lived in and he sneaked me into his room being careful that no one saw us. Inside his room I didn’t know what to do. I had already been with other guys and we had masturbated but never with someone that I knew in real life if that makes sense.
So I sat on the bed and he told me to make myself comfortable. I took off my shoes and by that time he was already on his knees touching my thighs. I believe he wanted to me to get hard but the thing was that I had been hard since we had our conversation on Facebook.
“Man you are ready for me to suck you off,” he told me when he saw that I was hard.
I didn’t know what to say to that so I just remained quiet. He began to lick the top of my dick and then ban to suck me off. I wanted to keep pretending that I was straight and that it was a little bit gross by not wanting to touch him with my hands. In reality I wanted to grab his hair and make him suck me faster. The feeling was great! It all felt wonderful.
It all felt so wonderful that I made him stop, grabbed him by the face and brought it close to mine and I told him I was really gay. He seemed confused so I repeated it to him.
“I am really gay.”
He then smiled, leaned closer and began to kiss me…..
(Part 2 will be up soon)
(First off sorry for not posting in 2 weeks but I was on vacation)
Being a closeted gay teen is not easy at all. Constantly I have to “protect” my gayness and be careful not to be outed. But being a closeted gay teen does not mean that I don’t get to have some fun. In addition, there are tons of guys online who are in the same situation that I am in and that like to just talk.
Tumblr, Facebook and Dailybooth were my initial sites where I connected with other gay teens. After I lost my virginity and that person left the city I lived in (that story will be on my next post) I began to seek other people on hookup sites which isn’t good at all. I liked to feel other men in my arms and that is the only reason why I did it.
Doing all this was very dangerous. I had to put a password on all of the things that I used to make sure that none of my friends would stumble into one of my conversations with a guy or something. My computer, phone and iPad all had passwords and no one was ever allowed to borrow them.
I used to have a roommate and I would wait till he fell asleep to sneak out and meet guys. Now I don’t really hookup with guys anymore but I continue to be in the closet.
I used to lie to my friends and tell them that family was in town to skip from going to the clubs because I never wanted to go because I hated having to pick up a girl at the club to just dance.
I try to not make public gay friends because I am afraid that my gayness will come out when I talk to them and they would immediately know I’m gay.
I joined a fraternity and became president of my fraternity. Not something typical that a gay guy would do so I went for it :P
I have only come out to four of my closest friends and I think for now that is good. I haven’t told any of my family that I am gay simply because I don’t feel that it is the right time yet. Maybe in a year or so when I graduate from college and I become truly independent I will be able to tell them. Coming out of the closet will definitely change the dynamics of the relationship that I have with my family. But I will deal with that when that time comes.
Sorry that this post is kinda lame but just felt you should know some of these details for the stories to come. My next story will be about how I lost my virginity :P
I can remember the first time a touch another guy’s penis like if it was yesterday. I was in 8th grade and I was still doubting my sexuality although I knew I was attracted to guys. I had a friend who lived down the street who I always hanged out with. He was in the school’s soccer team and he was pretty hot. His name was Javier and he was in my gym class. It all started when I first got a glimpse of his penis in the locker room and here is the story.
One day after our gym class we were in the locker rooms changing from our gym clothes. We had just finished doing some laps around the indoor track that we had at our middle school. The entire class was changing like any other gym period but this time I dared myself to walk into the showers.
Never before had I walked into the showers because I was too embarrassed to walk naked around a group of guys. I was too afraid that I would get an erection once I walked in. So this time around, I wrapped a towel around me and decided to take a peek ;) There were about five guys that were taking a shower including Javier. I looked at it for a while, by it I mean his penis, until I catched myself just staring at it. And guess who was staring at me. Yes, Javier was. Immediately I left the showers and changed to my regular clothes and walked out of the locker room.
Javier never confronted me about me staring at his penis. He never mentioned anything and we still would hang out like normal. About a month after I had seen him naked, he was at my house playing video games just like any other time that he would be at my house. We ended up somehow talking about Playboy magazines and how his brother had a stash of them in his room.
We ended up going to his house to look at his brother’s magazines. We simply were flipping though the magazines when all of the sudden, he began to rub his pants. I couldn’t help but look at him doing that. He then catched me looking at him and he told me to put his hand inside his pants.
At this point I felt really awkward. We were in his brother’s room looking at a Playboy magazine and he wanted to get his dick touched. I really wanted to do it but I didn’t want him to think I was gay.
I said something along the lines of, “No I cant do that, that is gross.”
He then replied, “Its not like you didn’t like looking at it in gym class. Don’t worry its not gay to touch a guys dick.”
WTF! How can it not be gay to touch another guy’s dick! Anyways I went ahead and did it. He loosened up his pants and grabbed my hand and made me stick it in his underwear. He was very hard. He just made noises and closed his eyes as I began to move my hand lower towards his balls.
As I kept moving my hand around I began to freak out. Will he tell people we did that? Was I gay?! I removed my hands from his underwear and told him that I should probably go home.
I ended up going home thinking of how great that was but how scared I was that someone else would find out. We never talked about that time and we continued to hang out like we used to. Later I will put up anther story about him that has to do with more dick touching ;)
It was my last few days as a fourth grader when I remember deciding to tell this girl named Jessica that I liked her. I have to admit that she was not the prettiest girl in the class but her personality was great. I loved being around her. Every time we had to pair up with someone I wished it was with her.
That day, the entire classroom was helping to clean up the classroom since we were nearing the end of the school year. The teacher had boxes of papers that we all had to go through and throw away. Physical Education time came quickly and the entire class had to go to the gym. My teacher allowed Jessica and I to stay behind and continue to help clean the classroom.
Everyone left for the exception of Jessica, my teacher and I. I remember having so much fun packing with them. We were organizing some of the teacher’s books and putting them in packing boxes. Jessica and I were laughing hysterically just having fun. When we were finished we went to the gym for P.E. class and that was the end of that day.
I can’t remember if it was immediately the day after or a couple of days after that day that I decided to tell her that I liked her. We had had so much fun that day that I just figured that if I told her it would make things better. The year was coming to an end and I didn’t want to go to break without telling her.
So when we were coming out of lunch, I decided to tell her.
“Jessica, I like you,” I said.
“I like you too,” said Jessica, “but just as a friend.”
“Why just a friend?”
“I cant like you like that,” she told me. “If I like you like that then Gustavo wont like me like that.”
I don’t remember what happened after that but I do remember feeling very jealous. I couldn’t believe she had rejected me. But I did begin to start looking closely at Gustavo. This was the first time ever that I actually began to pay attention at a guy. I remember imagining him naked and immediately I tried to snap that image away from my head. Little did I know that for many years to come I would imagine all the men that walked by me naked.
My first rejection by a girl was soon forgotten. Before I knew it, third grade had arrived. There was a girl by the name of Ivana who I began to like. The one thing that I loved about her was her face which truly looked angelical.
During recess, there was a group of kids that would always hang out including Ivana and myself. During that time, we were all obsessed with the movie Titanic. The one scene that we all loved and reenacted in the jungle gym was the scene where the Titanic is sinking. In the jungle gym, there was this bridge that connected one side of the playground to the other so we would all get on that bridge and jump off to the ground pretending that we were on the ship and that we were sinking.
Very close to the “bridge” there was this tube that we pretended was a lifeboat. We had played “Titanic” many times but there was one particular time that we played that I remember clearly how Ivana told me she didn’t like me. Everyone was jumping off of the bridge for the exception of Ivana and myself. Ivana had ran to the “lifeboat” and she had been saved. I had somehow managed to also get on the lifeboat along with another girl.
Ivana would really get into the role playing and she at some point gave me a really big hug and pretended that she was crying on my shoulder. I remember this moment very clearly and as a kid, I would go to bed thinking of this moment very often. Receiving a hug from her was the best thing that I could ever get at that moment.
Following the hug, Ivana did something that made me upset. She told me that the “lifeboat” only had space for two people and that she would prefer the other girl to be saved instead of me. At that point, I remember my heart breaking. I began to feel the tears coming but I didn’t want Ivana or any of my friends to see so I quickly and quietly ran to the restroom where I locked myself in a restroom stall and began to cry. I truly felt that she had rejected me at that moment.
The following day, we decided to play Titanic again. I wanted to be the one to be in the lifeboat with Ivana again but Ivana had other plans. She told me that she didn’t want me in the lifeboat again and that she would prefer that I jump off the boat. She said it in a mean way also. This only brought more pain to me as I remembered what she had done the day before.
The nights following this were very difficult for me. At my young age at that time, I remember not being able to go to bed early because the thought of Ivana kept looming me. Some nights I would be happy thinking of the possibility of being with Ivana receiving a hug and the other nights I would cry and feel my heart break as I remembered how Ivana had “rejected” me. Not only did I think of Ivana, but I also thought about Anna who I spoke about in my last post.
For YEARS to come I always thought about these two moments and one other that I will talk about in my next post. Now I would not blame these events on me turning out to be gay since I believe that in some way I was born gay and the way I was raised had also something to do with it. The title just says that so that it sounds more catchy.
I remember growing up and liking girls. Back in the 1st grade, there was a girl in particular by the name of Anna that I really liked spending time with. She was the oldest of the girls in my class and you could tell she was a leader. All of the girls would always want to play with her.
One day I decided to make some drawings and give them to her. My mother was so happy that I showed interest in a girl that she called my aunt, my uncle, my grandpa and my grandma to tell them about it. Apparently it was very cute to see how a 7 year old boy has a crush on a girl. The one thing I remember about this is feeling extremely embarrassed. I would get upset when my mom would even mention it to me, never less to someone else!
I don’t remember clearly if I gave the drawings to Anna but I do remember going out to recess one day and asking her if she wanted to be my girlfriend. The concept of having a girlfriend was very vague at that time. I don’t remember again exactly what I said but you best bet that I do remember the rejection.
“Mario is older than you and he is better than you.” Yes, that was my first rejection. At the moment I don’t think it affected me much but I do remember growing up and remembering this moment a lot. This always made me not want to ask a girl out again. It really affected me.
Now I wouldn’t blame this event for making me gay but I do believe it had some effect. Along with other similar events that I will later detail, this event definitely has been in my mind since the moment it happened and had an effect on my dislike for women (not like hating or disliking women in the bad way but just attraction wise.)